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John Cooker There’s an epidemic sweeping across America but no one’s taking it seriously. The infected look like normal Americans, at first, but then they open their mouths and foreign words leap out known only to i John Cooker emigrated from Ukraine after the fall of the Communist Wall. He apparently is immune to the viruses, possibly owing to many generations of daily administering homemade vodka in his family tree, or perhaps the former USSR had some secret inoculation against them that it gave all its comrades when babes, as current undemocratic circumstances may attest to. His name is actually spelled Kuker, but was changed when being processed in the Immigration Department because service agents couldn’t roll the r. It’s pronounced kookar (rolled r). After learning English very good, he graduated from Harvard Online in 2008 with a certificate of MRI. Harvard Online is a distance learning center based in Muncie, Indiana offering a prestigious online curriculum as seen in infomercials, and isn’t affiliated with Harvard University of Cambridge, Massachusetts. MRI is the abbreviated credential of Medical Research Interpreter, a growing field in high demand (according to the matchbook cover advertisement) that’s too new to be recognized by the American College Association for degree accreditation. Many people cannot understand their doctors, diseases or procedures they must have. An MRI explains them in plain English.

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