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How do you know when love is right in front of you? What does it take to make a huge mid-life change?
Will you have the courage to trade your life in for a new one?
These questions are answered in a gripping memoir by an Ivy League –trained clinical psychologist who
found herself making an enormous change in her life after turning 50.
Miracle at Midlife: A Transatlantic Romance, by Roni Beth Tower, is a memoir chronicling the two-year
courtship between a divorced American attorney living on a converted barge in the center of Paris and an
empty-nested clinical and research psychologist who works from her home in Connecticut. Throughout
their journey, they conquer challenges of internal demons (mostly hers) and external threats (mostly kids,
careers, and culture) as they share adventures in their respective worlds.
“My story is less about the healing power of love than it is about the powerful forces of destiny, the way
our lives push us toward lessons we need to learn to become the people we are meant to be,” says Roni
Beth. “It is about the necessity of choice in the context of inevitability, the ways in which we create
possibilities in our lives and then are free to decide how to respond to them.”
Roni Beth will share with listeners:
The secret to finding second-chance love.
How to make mid-life changes.
What it takes to maintain an international, long-distance relationship.
The benefits of an active sex life after 50.
How one can transform his or her life and find a purpose.
What we need to understand about the forces and types of communication that bring people
together or pull them apart.
“Becoming more comfortable with what brought me pleasure helped me find my own internal compass,
and be less at the mercy of all those external cultural messages telling me what I “should” do or want or
be,” says the author.
Miracle at Midlife engagingly tells the inspiring story of Roni Beth and David’s intense and
transformative transatlantic courtship. Along the way, David the loner, living amid the beauty, freedom,
and pleasures of Paris, brings Roni Beth, a responsible and overextended professional haunted by earlier
loss and trauma, back to her core as a woman, while she helps him reclaim connections that tie him to a
larger world. They confront and tame her demons, rework relationships with family and friends, and
explore their different perspectives as they find a way to be together. Throughout their experience, stories
of courage, joy and hope shine through.
A clinical psychologist of 30+ years, a former Yale and Columbia UniversityTeachers College professor,
and a regular contributor to PsychologyToday.com, Roni Beth has been living, speaking about, and
writing on relationships her entire life. Her writings have appeared in Woman’s World, Huffington Post,
and Psychology and Aging. She’s been interviewed for articles appearing in Glamour, Cosmopolitan,
Red Book, Family Circle, and Seventeen. Her work has been featured in USA Today, Wall Street Journal,
The National Post, and Reuters Health.
Roni Beth offers an inspiring, real-life love story set in contemporary times, an amalgamation of The
Bridges of Madison County, Glass Castle, and Eat, Pray, Love.
“A thrilling story from beginning to end, one that reads like a beautiful novel.”
— Jack Thomas, Broadway Producer
“Miracle at Midlife is a classic love story set in modern times that draws on the author’s background as a
psychologist as well as her wisdom as a woman.”
— Shefali Tsabary, PhD, New York Times best-selling author and clinical psychologist
Contact: Media Connect
Brian Feinblum 212-583- 2718 brian.feinblum@finnpartners.com
Roni Beth Tower
Q&A
Miracle at Midlife
1. Roni Beth, what inspired you to pen Miracle at Midlife: A Transatlantic Romance?
So many of my patients had struggled to understand why a parent or grandparent had made a
specific choice in their life. I wanted our kids and grandkids to be able to have our story, if they
ever wanted or needed it. Miracle at Midlife describes a shift in my life that could seem
mysterious or confusing to them. So, after I retired, I wrote it, trying to provide what some call
“An Ethical Will”. Actually, publishing the manuscript came unexpectedly five years later. I
wrote about that journey, one of synchronicity, in “A Book is Born”, a post for Women Writers,
Women [‘s] Books.
2. Do you believe you give hope to those who are in a mid-life crisis?
Miracle at Midlife brings hope to those who believe that their life has a purpose, that they can
discover that purpose, that they may need to confront challenges in fulfilling that purpose, and
that the meaning they find in doing so is why we are here. In other words, those who believe we
have a soul. The crisis that tends to occur mid-life happens if we needed a lot of lessons before
understanding that worldly “success” does not bring happiness for most people. Other people, of
course, those who do find happiness in milestones measured by numbers or accolades or
popularity, are unlikely to have a mid-life crisis in the first place unless an event like illness,
trauma, a natural disaster or death forces them to revise their world-view, to re-evaluate what
matters to them. Miracle at Midlife describes my journey which should inspire hope.
3. How hard was it to extract yourself from your life to pursue an entirely different one?
I had spent years devoting myself to kids, home, community, career, to creating a life that was
more stable than the chaos of my own childhood. In my twenties, I had given up the illusion that I
controlled my destiny, but I still believed that I was responsible for my choices. Fast forward to
meeting David in 1996 when I was 52. We did not yet use email or cell phones. Crossing the
ocean meant letting go of meaningful connections to friends and clients, the home I had lovingly
created, and the security that our home and a cottage I had bought in Maine represented to my
then-grown kids and myself. I kept an Andre Gide quote taped onto my refrigerator: “In order to
discover new lands, you have to lose sight of the shore.”
4. For those seeking to find true love or romance, especially those 40 and over, what do you
tell them?
I have no generic answer. Henry Murray once said, “All men are in some ways like all other men,
in some ways like some other men, and in some ways like no other men.” Change “men” to
“people” and there you have it. In love, we are unique – as is the role that love is to play in our
lives. Passion? Friendship? Caring? I believe that love is the ground, not the figure – we don’t
“fall” in love; we remove barriers to experiencing it. And the more we experience it, the more our
capacity expands. The catch is that loving is not always safe so we erect boundaries that can keep
us safe. We can take them away – or, as I experienced it, allow the armor to melt – as we gather
information about ourselves and the one we love and learn how to keep ourselves safe.
5. Aren’t long-distance relationships typically destined to fail? How did yours survive?
Again, it depends on the individuals – how many competing demands they have on their plates
and how important those are, how skilled at shifting gears they are, how comfortable they are
with their independence and how much they need solitude. How much intimacy they crave or can
tolerate. Making any relationship endure also requires people to see that the couple itself is a third
entity deserving attention. In my case, being older helped. Even though we both felt like
teenagers at times in the beginning, we were both practiced in acting responsibly, reigning in
impulses, delaying gratification. We alternated between the intensity of the moments when we
were together and reflection during separations, testing illusion against reality. Because we were
committed to understanding each other, the distance worked in our favor. When we returned to
our respective cultures, we were forced to do reality checks on what had just happened and why.
6. It’s one thing to fall in love, and another to stay in love. What’s the secret to the success of
your 21-year relationship?
Ours survived and has continued to thrive because we try not to make assumptions about each
other’s motives or intentions. We remain responsible for ourselves. We talk when we need to,
keeping the elephant out of our living room. We respect our differences in needs and style and
abilities. Although it did take David a while to really believe that I was losing my hearing and not
ignoring him. We are both good at being fully present, at learning, at caring for and being cared
for by the other. We both know loneliness, fear, anger, grief, in ourselves and in each other, and
can embrace our efforts to be conscious of the sources of our feelings. We both know we can
survive alone. But we also know that, like the oft-quoted proverb, “Sharing doubles joy and
halves grief.” As a bonus, touching remains magic. Electric. Comforting. Just right.
7. In your particular situation you listened to your internal compass to guide you. How can
we learn to listen to or feel our gut instincts?
Two ways. First, practice listening to what is inside. You can do that through meditation,
journaling, mindfulness techniques, some therapies, a creative activity, anything that helps you
observe yourself. I would nestle into my quiet cottage in Maine and ask, “Okay, body, what do
you want now?” I trained myself to feel desires and impulses and to choose if, when, and how I
would act on them. This kind of consciousness helps you appreciate internal signals. A second
method is to recognize and trust a force that pushes you in a direction until you pay attention. It’s
a feeling – mine runs through the center of my body – that this is something you need to do, even
though it may be impractical. It is taking you to where you are meant to go. Only experience can
help you identify and trust that “true north” feeling.
8. You say your memoir is one of hope, courage, and facing fears. What obstacles did you
have to overcome to find true happiness?
I had to appreciate that my life had needed to be exactly the way it was for me to become the
person I was supposed to become. That my happiness lay not in realizing a perfect image of what
I thought would make me happy, but in allowing what did make me happy to emerge. I had to
surrender to being shown. I needed to make room for desires I did not know I had, to allow
hidden parts of myself to surface. I had to learn to work with the “brat” who wanted what she
wanted when she wanted it and with the woman who was loved for being rather than doing. I had
to embrace joy. I had to begin to sort out – and I am still doing it – the meaning of David’s words,
filtered through his quarter-century of living in Paris. Culture matters and we were immersed in
very different cultures. To him, “no” was the beginning of negotiation.
9. You not only were in a long-distance relationship but one that had to bridge countries,
cultures, and time zones. Was there ever a time that you thought the relationship wouldn’t
survive?
Yes, two situations were problematic. The first was related to David’s “Frenchness”. I was
terrified that he could not resist seducing other women or being seduced by them. Elaine Sciolino
wrote a book about it – seduction as the essence of the French culture. I knew that I could not
tolerate infidelity. The second situation arose when I faced losing important friendships. Because
I had no available family of origin, my friends were very important to me. David’s ties were
different, him being such a loner. It took me a while to appreciate their depth. Until I did, I feared
not being able to thrive so far from so many of those I loved. Luckily, I knew that I would never
allow the geographical distance to separate me emotionally from my children.
10. What draws you to France?
I like myself better there. That sounds like a throw-away line, but it is true. In the Eastern
corridor of America, I feel surrounded by pressures to label and measure everything. Time.
Speed. Money. In France, experiences are what count. I tune into my reactions to everything
from a sip of wine to the walk I am discovering. I can practice that attraction muscle all the time,
discovering my own energy and its rewards. External judges are irrelevant. In addition, I love the
French commitment to human connection. The ritual of saying “Bonjour, Madame” or “Bonjour,
Monsieur” is not hollow. The greeting is a recognition of our common humanity and dignity. In
addition, the desire to create pleasure for others runs deep in the culture and whether it is through
creating beauty, honoring history, or innovating, it makes life richer, fuller, and more fun.
11. You clearly write of your yearning for a sense of identity based on experiences rather than
roles, history, or other people’s perceptions or expectations. How do you live such a life?
That’s exactly the life I live when I am in France. I get to just be me. True, I am a woman. And “a
certain age”. But rather than rendering me invisible or dismissed like those realities do at home,
in France they bring me smiles and offers of a seat on the metro or bus. Far fewer (often
erroneous) assumptions are made there. That’s how I try to live in America, although it feels
harder. Our context matters. But anywhere it helps to not make assumptions or think you
understand what you probably do not. I think my clinical experience helps here; I believe people
let me know what they want me to know when they can tolerate their truths and are ready to share
them. It takes courage for others to disclose and faith for me to wait.
12. Roni Beth, you also share a message about adults who need to understand the forces and
types of communication that bring people together or pull them apart. Please elaborate.
Some relationships are historical; you bore witness to a moment or period in each other’s lives.
Some are based on commonalities over which you have little control – you live or work with or
near one another. Some friendships form because of a shared passion… school, raising kids, a
congregation, volunteer activities. These can have an instrumental component – the only part of
you that is wanted is the part that might be relevant to an interest of someone else. Then there are
co-dependent friendships based on need – when one person takes care of – even rescues – another
and the other is chronically needy. Those usually break down when one person grows. Deeper
connections are the ordinary miracles. Magnetism draws you together. You like each other’s
energy. Trust grows out of your shared moments. The initial attraction grows stronger. As it feels
safer, more and more of the self enters the relationship.
13. How do people really know they share a special chemistry of mind-body- soul and not just
momentary passion, lust, or desperation-fueled desire?
The 2017 Nobel Prize in Physics went to three Black Hole researchers who managed to measure
gravitational waves – a force at least as important as light and sound waves – using new
technology. Einstein had theorized their existence more than a hundred years ago. And lovers
have known their reality since the beginning of time. It’s holistic knowing – a Gestalt – that loses
something when you analyze it and force it into words or measuring devices that have yet to be
invented. We can talk about hormones and neurotransmitters, the chemistry and physics of love.
What happens in the brain or the heart? In the nervous, sexual or circulatory system? We can talk
about how a person thinks, feels, behaves. Or what transpires between the person and the
beloved. Or how the experience would be described by various cultures. Or as a spiritual
encounter. Perhaps the more languages, the clearer the knowing?
14. As a contributor to Psychology Today writing about relationships, which subjects do you
find elicit the greatest amount of views and feedback from readers? Are you surprised?
I’m still learning how the internet works so I don’t take the popularity of a particular post all that
seriously. That said, my posts on long-distance relationships, allowing romantic love to endure, or
the importance of pets have reached a lot of people interested in those topics. What surprised me
most was the posts that have not been as popular. Last January I began publishing “52 Ways to
Show I Love You” on my “Life, Refracted” column each Sunday. I expected “Have Fun
Together” and “Create Surprises” to be popular, which they were – but I was surprised that
“Stretching” and two posts about showing love through food were much less read. I wondered if
that is because they dealt with physical needs and my readers are less comfortable with or
interested in the ways in which their physical needs are related to their relationships.
15. Roni Beth, for three decades as a practicing psychotherapist, you listened to individuals and
couples discuss their relationship problems. What are the top three issues that always come
up – and what do you advise?
The most common problem I saw was a mismatch in how one person experienced being loved
and the other expressed it. One shows love by listening but the other wants more sex. One brings
a gift but the other wants to have fun together. That’s why I have been writing “52 Ways to Show
I Love You”, to help people broaden their repertoire and understanding. A second common
problem arises when a couple is together for theoretical reasons – they match each other’s
laundry list of desirable qualities in a mate but have no energetic connection. The third is a lack
of intimacy, whether from keeping secrets – often from themselves – or failing to accept each
other as whole and complex people.
16. Why do so many people give up on making significant life changes after they have hit 50?
Great question! I think they may not believe that alternative experiences are possible. Or they
may fear that the risks of losing what they already have are too high. Or they may be overly
invested in what they have created, unwilling or unable to face the ultimate impermanence of all
things and experiences. The unknown is – well, unknown! It can be scary or exciting. And
nothing lasts forever. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” In my case, it was
that I might have passed up a chance to live with a man who brought so much joy and wonder
into my life. I knew there would be challenges, but I did not want to regret what I did not do.
17. How can people show their mates they love them?
I’ve published a post each Sunday since January first about exactly that on my “Life, Refracted”
blog on PsychologyToday.com. Different people want to be shown love in different ways. And
their preferences can change over time. Threads that run through most – if not all – of the topics
emphasize respect, listening, honoring differences, taking care of and responsibility for yourself,
and grasping that what best nourishes the couple may not be what either partner might choose if
alone.
18. Do you regret waiting until you were an empty-nester to make sweeping changes in your
life?
No. The years of raising my children were irreplaceable and I knew they only came once. I
wanted – needed – to be the one to be there, to raise them, to make my own mistakes. I knew my
heart was in the right place. Nothing was more important to me than being able to love them as
best I could. I also was glad I had developed my professional skills when I did, allowing me to do
work that I loved and to know that, no matter what, I could take care of myself. Knowing that I
could cope helped me take the risks I needed to take. The time allowed me to make mistakes and
learn to forgive myself, to know what really mattered to me, to be sure of my own resilience. I
might not have been ready for David earlier.
19. When you graduated Barnard College or earned your PhD at Yale University, did you
imagine the life you would be living today?
Not at all! When I was young, I imagined a life of “not that”. I was going to create the perfect
life which was different from what I had known and guided by notions of what books and movies
and magazines suggested was supposed to make me happy. My life lessons taught me what
actually DOES make me happy and I came to treasure experiences – especially learning,
providing a service, and having fun – over any material objects, relationships over any accolades.
Moments of touching each other’s lives became the benchmark of my Good Life.
20. Is there a litmus test one can apply to determine if pursuing a certain relationship makes
sense for someone?
I can’t think of one. We are all different and our souls have unique purposes in this lifetime. So
relationships that will nourish and support those purposes are unique. But I don’t believe in blind
faith in attraction. I think we learn through experience. So some good questions might be how
does the couple behave with each other across time? In person. Even Skype does not convey the
real energy. When confronted with needs to change? How open are they to new information? To
including other people in their worlds? Do they just love being together? It was that last one that
got me.
